


Birds and Bees

by Higgles123



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Children, F/M, Family, Funny, awkward kid questions, daddy Alfie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-11 22:35:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29250060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Higgles123/pseuds/Higgles123
Summary: Alfie's nine year old daughter comes home from school with an interesting question for her parents
Relationships: Alfie Solomons/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	Birds and Bees

“What is sex?”

Alfie sputtered and actually spat his chicken noodle soup across the table. Opposite him, Ava’s eyes were almost bugging out of her head while Soraya and Hannah continued to eat as though nothing was amiss. The only person who did react to their parents’ seemingly shocked expressions was little Jacob who decided to spit out his own soup like his father had done and then clapped as though to congratulate himself.

Alfie blinked and tried to comprehend that his oldest child, his Raisa Roo, had just asked him what sex was. Ava looked just as horrified as he did and he began to think that the two of them should have had a discussion about what they would say when faced with this question; because after all, it was bound to come at some point wasn’t it? But surely nine was far too young to be asking about sex?

“Where did you hear that word?” Ava was the first to speak.

“What? Sex?” Raisa asked.

“Will you stop saying sex!” Alfie slammed his spoon down before pinching the bridge of his nose and letting out a sigh. There was just absolutely something horrifying about hearing that word come out of his child’s mouth repeatedly. He was actually fairly certain that if she said it once more he was going to genuinely vomit.

“Why?” Raisa frowned. “Is it a bad word?”

Soraya’s ears pricked up then at the mention of a bad word and suddenly she was very interested in the conversation going on around her. Beside her, Hannah was acting a little bit more inconspicuous as she tried to eat her soup even more quietly so that she could listen as well.

“No, it’s not bad word, sweetheart,” Ava shook her head. “It’s just not really a word that children should know about.”

“But why not?” Raisa didn’t understand. “It sounds like a nice word if you ask me.”

“And just what exactly do you know about this word that makes you such an expert, Raisa ‘I-know-everything’ Solomons?” Alfie eyed her pointedly. Christ, why couldn’t he have just had all boys? Jacob might not be able to speak but at the age of one he was already easier than all three of the girls had ever been.

“Just that Lucy told me that her mum and dad have sex and that’s why they’ve got so many bloody kids.”

“That Lucy Parkinson,” Ava sighed. “She’s a right little madam.”

“Yeah, well that’ll be why she’s friends with our little madam then, eh?” Alfie muttered, even though Raisa’s friend was actually a million time worse than Raisa was. The girl had been round for dinner a few times, and even though Alfie had never proclaimed to be very good with other people’s children, he liked to think he was fairly tolerant of them but Lucy Parkinson, however, would taste the patience of even the fucking Pope because she was sly and also a gobby little cow.

“Look, is someone going to tell me what sex is or what?” Raisa huffed. “Because you and mum are behaving like I’ve said something really bad and I can’t decide if you’re just being dramatic or not.”

“I’ll give you fuckin’ dramatic, Raisa,” Alfie spat.

“That’s nothing new then,” Raisa rolled her eyes.

“Stop it both of you!” Ava demanded before plastering what she hoped was a serene smile on her face. “Hannah, Soraya, why don’t you two go upstairs and play, hmm? And take Jacob up there with you, ok?”

“But we’ve not finished our dinner, Mummy,” Hannah answered innocently.

“Yeah, and I’m really hungry, Mummy,” Soraya added.

Alfie knew what their game was though, and he reached into the cupboard behind his chair and pulled out a tin of biscuits and a packet of crackers, before flinging them at the two youngest girls.

“Here, take them upstairs with you,” he ordered. “Cos I’d hate for you both to fuckin’ starve to death in the space of ten minutes. Now off you pop and do as your mum says, please.”

Reluctantly they did as they were told, and Alfie and Ava didn’t continue their conversation with Raisa until they were certain they heard Hannah and Soraya’s footsteps in the bedroom above the dining room. Once he could hear them playing with Jacob and some toys, Alfie looked at Ava and she at him; both waiting for the other to magically have the answer to Raisa’s question. Eventually Alfie was the first one to cave. Clearing his throat, he looked at Raisa with what he hoped was a cool and easy going manner.

“Right, first of all I’m just gonna say that sex aint really somethin’ for young girls to be talkin’ about cos it’s a grown up thing what don’t really concern you, but now that you’ve asked me and your mum about it we’re gonna have to try and explain it as best we can,” Alfie began, swallowing uncomfortably. “Right, so when two grown ups love each other very much they, erm, get married and start a family just like me and your mum did. And the way mummies and daddies make babies is by having sex.”

“I know that already,” Raisa sighed impatiently. “But I don’t know what exactly _is_ sex?”

“Basically, it’s, erm, like a special cuddle what grown ups- _married_ grown ups- have,” Alfie murmured pulling at the loose collar of his shirt as he started getting uncomfortably warm.

“And that’s it?” Raisa seemed unconvinced. “I mean, I cuddle you and Mummy all the time and I don’t grow a baby so what makes a sex cuddle different?”

“Well, it’s because mummies and daddies love each other so that makes the cuddle different.”

“But I love you and I love mummy,” Raisa pointed out. “I even love Hannah and Soraya I suppose, and I definitely love Jacob.”

“Yeah, but the way you love me and mummy and we love you is different to how we love each other,” Alfie tried to explain.

“I think what Daddy is trying to say is that only grown up ladies can have babies,” Ava decided to step in at this point.

“So that means I can have a sex cuddle but because I’m a kid it won’t make me grow a baby?” Raisa frowned.

“No,” Ava sighed. “No absolutely not. Children do not have sex, Raisa. It’s just… look remember when you saw Mrs Lowry’s dogs next door jumping on top of each other in the garden? And then a few months later they had puppies?”

Raisa nodded.

“Well, when they were jumping on top of each other that’s because they were actually having sex.”

Alfie slapped a hand to his face in horror because this conversation was really going into too much detail as far as he was concerned. 

“But that looked nothing like cuddling,” Raisa looked slightly disgusted. “In fact, Maisie looked very unhappy about Max jumping on top of her the way he was.”

“Well yes, she might have looked uncomfortable but she was fine, don’t worry. So does that kind of make sense?”

Raisa pondered all of the information for a moment before nodding and asking if she could get down from the table and go to her room. As she made her way out of the kitchen, she turned around briefly and looked at her parent with something close to disgust.

“I can’t believe you had to let Dad jump on you like that four times so you could have all of us.”

The second she was gone, Alfie burst into guffaws of laughter; laughter that came from both amusement and also from downright horror at what had just occurred around the dinner table.

“I don’t know why you’re laughing, Alf,” Ava frowned. “There was nothing funny about any of that.”

“I know,” he wheezed, wiping at the corners of his eyes where liquid was leaking from them. “I just don’t really understand what’s just happened, and I think that not only have we confused our eldest child but we’ve also traumatized her as well. Then again, perhaps that aint such a bad thing.”


End file.
